Hampstead19vsOld Ashmoleans II33

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 11:58:04 +0200

Hampstead5vsUCSOB II19

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 12:19:29 +0200

Due to last minute drop outs, the 3s turned up at fortress heath with exactly 15 players for their cup game against UCS OB 2s. Heroic performances and a couple of disallowed tries saw them hobbling off having come 2nd on the day (5-19). Great spirit from the Hampstead team - heroic efforts from several players who, had there been any subs, would have been carried off the pitch - kept them fighting to the last whistle.

Hampstead0vsH&F XV0

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 21:33:09 +0200

Match abandoned - serious neck injury to oppo no 10 - we wish him a full & speedy recovery.

Hampstead12vsEton Manor II29

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 16:23:27 +0100

Hampstead8vsOld Ashmoleans II24

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 21:46:07 +0100

Hampstead38vsFullerians 241

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 22:54:28 +0100

Hampstead74vsOld Ashmoleans II17

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 10:58:22 +0100

Hampstead74vsTring III0

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 14:54:57 +0100

PESTS PERVERT THE COURSE OF TRING TRIUMPH!!!! Venue: TringKO: 2.30 Tring III 0 – Hampstead III 74 (time taken off)

“Tring… where is it?” came the confused question from the back…. “Somewhere near Wales!” was the less than confident answer… as MCD’s erratic journey north by north west proved, leaving a good twenty minutes before the rest of us, and arriving a good twenty minutes after.

In the absence of Fluffer, chief Pest Brunty led the Threes out of the safety of Zone 6 in an errant venture to take on the might of Tring at the ploughed fields they call home. Into the valley of Tring, rode the eighteen. Tractors to the left of them, tractors to the right of them, tractors in front of them, thundered and roared and ploughed. But fearless were these hardy souls for their cause was just, their hearts were proud and their bodies were strong. Tring had been edged by just 2 points a fortnight earlier, but that was just a tentative romantic fumbling first date, like when she asks you for your certification of cleanliness from the local health clinic…

Despite being there a good 120 minutes before kick off (90 for MCD’s carload), we were reduced to an abbreviated warm up, before the match started on the steeply sided hill known as the Third Team Pitch. A terrible reception of the kick off gave the ball straight to the huge lumbering menacing Tring pack…. Sphincters tightened in fear as the fearsome onslaught began! Showing their mettle, Tring immediately handed the ball back to Hampstead and watched as through the hands it went to Bomber to streak away, curtains a-flapping, to land the first deadly try within, oooooh, maybe 40 seconds. A precious lead had been established with a lucky turnover.

The indomitable Tring spirit refused to be bowed by such a fluke of a breakaway, and back they came right at the celebrating Hampstead upstarts – how dare they come and score with this fancy big city running rugby style of theirs??? The second try took maybe a little longer, but not by too much as these shirt-lifting, pampered, soft city ladies once again carved up the honest, hard-working, tax-paying Tring heroes. The game settled down at this point. The referee, obviously of questionable moral fortitude from favouring this team wearing the ridiculous purple and yellow kit, began blowing his whistle a lot and not allowing the powerful Tring lineout from breaking all these laws which just did not suit them. But at least there was little he could do to stop the ever impressive Tring scrum. Why, just looking at the battered scrum machine at the edge of the pitch probably put the fear right into the ciabatta scoffing, foamy latte drinking Hampstead clowns, who probably ate olives that were already deseeded unlike real men! Unfortunately, it seemed these deviant city types were prepared for that and had gone for fresh pedicures so they could grip the ground, and over moisturised so the mighty Tring scrimmaging power would just slide off their too smooth skin, and Tring lost many many scrums.

The rest of the half seemed to go by in a blur of tries, most of which your humble author missed, but (including second half tries) the totals were Bomber had 3, Brian had 1, Chris had 2, Pest caught 2 and a rash, Luke got a pushover 1 and a couple of others probably scored too. Chris was up against a surprisingly short, squat, generously bellied winger who seemed to be shaped like a prop, and ran like a prop, and passed like a prop, and was slow like some other props. The highlight was Paul’s placekicking, or rather the svelte form of the Sumo offering not one, but two tees to kick from, Tetley Blue, or Training Cone Yellow, leading to 10 points successfully converted. Greg’s belly also had an impressive showing, either over the top of some helpless Tring tackling or wrong footing the defence by going left while the rest of him went right…

The second half was a different story. The namby pamby Hampstead girls could not hack the clean country air and wilted noticeably, though the referee robbed Tring of a certain try – the pass was only about 3 yards forward. Into this fray, the cowardly servants of Hampstead made their unsporting behaviour even worse, adding at least 20 stone of Geordie lard to bolster the wavering troops, and also bringing on the massively skilled legend of a player who is just known as the Sumo. The latter’s introduction led to a certain incident happening, which modesty prevents me from writing about, so Matt Dick’s summary below will have to do, but this is a team sport, and so a big thank you must go to Kenny for the chip ahead to the base line, Haydn for the ruck, Kenny for the pass, and David Hill for converting such a beautifully scored try. I would have killed Kenny slowly if he didn’t pass it to me. Painfully too, and I definitely got man and ball, as someone had almost caught up with me, but a quick burst of acceleration showed the gleaming clean pair of heels to the would-be try saving hero, and over went the legend, ball cradled like a steak bake, ground beckoning like the welcoming bed of marzipan. But I digress, and thus onto Matt’s lyrically waxed account of rugby wizardy not seen since the heady days of Mike Gibson, JPR Williams, and Gareth Edwards and that Barbarian try of yore...

“To be fair, you did have to run some distance to get in support. I know because I followed Kenny the whole way hoping for a pass, but when his kick ahead bounced over his head, Hayden caught it, their guy grabbed him, and I, instead of just hanging out the back waiting for the ball to grab a try, drove in on him. Leaving the way open for you to score . Needless to say, I have been in a state of self-loathing ever since .”

With that, Tring were finally defeated, conceding with a quarter hour still on the clock, but they had had enough, and with the big man on fine form and almost snatching a second, they decided to stop him scoring his certain hat trick. They did however have the last laugh with the theft of Greg’s wallet from the changing rooms. Mal Oeufs.

Man of the Match – with the fastest try ever recorded on a Saturday match against Tring in 2008, Bomber Harris gets the medal of Man of the Match. Popular acclaim would award it to Sumo, but he would just blush. He is a humble man. A man of the people, for the people. He seeks not your accolades and applause, but wishes to serve as best he can.

Best Celebrity Imitation of the Match – Is it Kenny Loakman? Is it Kenny Logan? Is it Lenny Kogan? No, it is Scottish supreme champion Andy Murray on the wing!

Nutritional Supplement of the Match – my pre match steak pie from the bar provided the complex carbohydrates that a premier athlete needs to perform at his best. An oft overlooked aspect of being so finely honed is that post match needs must to handled too, and in this Tring did well, providing good nutritional value in sausages, chips, beans and bread, aiding in recovery time.

TEAM:

Bayliss

Blackman

Haydn (Sumo 60)

Murphy (Tinky 50)

Clerkson

Fossey (Haydn 60)

Sex Pest

MCD

Killick

James (Hill 40)

Dick

Coulter

Chris

Kenny

Bomber

Hampstead67vsFullerians II10

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 12:23:46 +0100

Hampstead24vsEnfield XV8

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 11:54:22 +0100

Hampstead Rugby Club 3rd XV results and reports news feed